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In the News

, January 25, 2004
Take a Break

Fortune Magazine, January 12, 2004

Working Mother, March 2004

2004

, December 25, 2003
State to provide paid family leave

, November 30, 2003
More Fathers Take Advantage of Paternity Leave to Bond with New Children

Working Mother, November 23, 2003
Working Mother Media Press Room

Boston Globe, November 23, 2003
Men still worry about taking time to be dads

Gannett News Service "On The Job Column," November 2003
Acceptance of work-life flexibility evolving

More fathers taking time off

, October 24, 2003
Shifting duties - Women who feel swamped by household chores look for more help from hubby

Gannett News Service, October 22, 2003
Domestic justice

Washington Post, Sunday September 21
More companies offering extended leave to boost morale and loyalty

About Families
Sept Issue / Mari Conners Review

HR Today
September issue

Herald-Mail Online, August 29, 2003
Divide household chores by interest and ability to lighten

Salt Lake City Tribune, August 27, 2003
Basics briefs

El Paso Times
Aug 18 / Living Section
El Paso, TX

Washington Times, July 16, 2003
Federal study links time spent in day care to aggressiveness

, July 16, 2003
A calm voice amid the noisy child-care debate

, June 15, 2003
More U.S. Dads Balance Laptops, Kids on Laps

More dads ditching their traditional role

10 Things Your Child Care Provider Won't Tell You

Laid-off husband opts to make home a dad-care center

Excerpt from How to Avoid the Mommy Trap

How to Avoid the Mommy Trap Review

2003

Tag-team parenting: Some couples find that splitting work shifts to avoid child care is best for their families

, December 30, 2002
He Works/She Works: Books gives tips on how to avoid the mommy trap.

Read Julie Shields' "Shortening The Second Shift"
on www.bluesuitmom.com

, August 26, 2002
Few workers invoke US family-leave law

Keeping out of the 'mommy trap'

Pick of the Month

Maybe it's time to share some of the mother load

Who's Afraid of a Smart Woman

Baby panic and drug tests

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Keeping out of the 'mommy trap'
Shared duty eases heavy responsibility

October 8, 2002
Maria Cortés Gonzalez, El Paso Times

It happens innocently.

Soon after becoming mothers, women automatically take on more responsibility. And they don't ask for help from their husbands -- until they're feeling overwhelmed.

Mother and author Julie Shields, who went through it, calls it "the mommy trap." And in her book, "How To Avoid the Mommy Trap: A Roadmap for Sharing Parenting and Making It Work," released last month, she tries to help other couples avoid her mistakes.

"The main problem was I had unthinkingly taken more family responsibilities than I had intended or that was working well for our family," said Shields, who has two daughters, ages 6 and 3. "And that's one of the most common arguments in a family -- over who does what in the family."

Unfortunately, many couples do not address the issue early enough.

"The most important thing that a woman can do is allow her husband to get involved from day one," Shields said. "And a lot of women don't do that. Men get pushed out right away and retreat to their work."

El Pasoan Amber Ferguson, a stay-at-home mother of two children, ages 2 and 1, said she and her husband have good communication.

"If I have the feeling that I need extra help, I can tell him," she said.

Her husband is consistently helpful.

"When we had the second child, he was good about going places and doing father-and-son outings to give me a little time," she said.

Another stay-at-home mom, Olga Montes, said she sometimes feels the pressure of taking care of four children, ages 6, 2 and 13 month-old twins. "But once my husband comes home, he helps out with everything," she said.

Montes said she knows she can count on her husband for any task with her children.

Shields believes it's important that couples talk about these family issues before they get married. They should discuss what they think their roles should be as parents and partners.

If you're already a family and the woman is feeling overwhelmed, she can still make changes, Shields said.

"First, you need to figure out what you want to change," she said. "But you don't want to give him the grunt work."

Instead, ask him to help with one task that involves the children, such as getting them ready for school.

And although it may be hard to resist, women must keep from criticizing the help.

"If they dress the children in silly outfits, just remember, does it really matter?" she said. "It doesn't."

What does matter is that children benefit from having their father's involvement.

"Men parent differently; they tend to foster curiosity and give children a little more space," Shields said. "And research has shown that children are more secure when the two parents are involved. And that's the best situation you can have."

Maria Cortés Gonzalez may be reached at cortes@elpasotimes.com

A Bookviews.com Pick of the Month

October 2002

" . . . the book is really about sharing parenting in order to make family and work responsibilities balance out to the benefit of both parents and the children. Having made most of the mistakes herself, the author began to ask others how they make this situation work, then moved onto various childcare professionals. This is really a primer for couples considering marriage who need to determine if they are truly compatible, for expectant mothers worried about both baby and career commitments, couples who need new working arrangements, and, as noted above everyone looking for answers to make everything work for all involved."

Maybe it's time to share some of the mother load

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Do you feel trapped by the responsibilities of motherhood and household management? Do you resent your husband because he doesn't do much child care and domestic work?

Julie Shields knows the feeling. An intellectual property attorney and a freelance writer, Shields cut back on work when her first daughter was born six years ago because her husband needed to put in the time to develop his new career. Shields' mother watched the couple's little girl while Shields worked 16 hours a week.

Then, when their daughter was 18 months old, Grandma had surgery and couldn't baby-sit anymore.

"I was afraid,'' Shields said. "I had always considered myself to be a person who wouldn't stay home. Working and my life at work were part of my identity.''

Shields thought about what she wanted and needed out of her life. She and her husband then had a discussion about how to proceed. She offered to quit her job to stay home with their daughter, but with conditions.

"I told him I didn't want everything to fall into my lap all the time,'' she said. "I told him I would cook dinner a couple of times a week, he would cook, we would get takeout or go out, whatever.

"And whenever he was home, he would be responsible for my daughter. I also put a time limit on it. My husband promised that when my daughter turned 3, he would start to work flexibly or stay home. Things always come up, but if you have an understanding, no one has to give up everything all the time.''

When Shields started researching and writing her book "How to Avoid the Mommy Trap: A Roadmap for Sharing Parenting and Making It Work'' (Capital Books, $26.95), she found that one-third to one-half of new parents experience as much marital distress as couples in therapy for marital problems. She also found that new parents argue most about what she calls "The Big Two": 1. Who does what with the kids and the house? 2. Who makes the career accommodations on issues as large as who stays home to care for preschool children or as small as who cancels a meeting and takes off a workday when a child is sick? Even women who don't consider themselves traditional may find themselves volunteering to do all or most of the traditional "mothering'' responsibilities.

Be honest: Who buys the birthday party gifts in your house and who takes the kids to the doctor? You may think you don't have a choice, that all these domestic chores became your lot when you became a mother. But, if you feel burdened by these chores and you haven't negotiated with your spouse to lighten your load, you are doing a disservice to yourself, your marriage, and your children, Shields argues. Maybe your spouse has a flair for, say, cooking, and would do a great job if you didn't criticize and just let him do things in his own fashion.

And maybe by doing everything you are depriving your children of one-on-one playing and nurturing time with their dad.

Finally, as Shields points out, if a mother doesn't take into account her need for personal satisfaction and just plain fun from the get-go, the lack of those things will become a far greater issue as time goes on.

We need to build in time when we walk away from our parenting role, and let Dad assume the mantle of primary caregiver and household manager. Shields even encouraged her husband to take a monthlong paternity leave after the birth of their second daughter 3½ years ago.

"There really is a natural attachment that occurs between a father and a child if the mother is not around to put herself between them,'' Shields said.

If you want to change the balance of your domestic responsibilities, Shields recommends that you first take a personal inventory of what you're doing vis-à-vis your children and your domestic chores.

"You need to understand how you got where you've gotten to,'' she said. "You need to think about what you want to change, what you're capable of changing, and how you might be interfering with your own goals for change."

Then, talk to your partner - not when you're in the midst of a domestic meltdown, but when you can talk calmly, logically, and non-judgmentally.

Some couples she interviewed actually had written contracts specifying how they shared responsibilities. For Shields and her husband, it's more of an ongoing discussion, ever subject to change.

But the underlying premise remains the same: Shared parenting is good for everybody, and moms shouldn't be martyrs to gender roles. For more information, go to Shields' Web site: www.mommytrap.com.

The Pressured Parent runs on Sundays and Thursdays. You can reach Mary Amoroso in care of The Record, 150 River St., Hackensack, N.J. 07601, by fax at (201) 646-4047, or by e-mail at amoroso@northjersey.com. Please give your name and number so she can talk to you.

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Copyright © 2002 North Jersey Media Group Inc.

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Who's Afraid of a Smart Woman

April 12, 2002

To the Editor:

In "The Baby Bust" (column, April 10), Maureen Dowd discusses the difficulty that high-achieving women experience in dating, marrying or becoming mothers. Yet many smart, assertive women are thriving in a new type of courtship and parenting partnership. For a coming book, I interviewed hundreds of couples who have managed to balance two sets of personal ambitions, have children and put a lot of time into the family.

In the human world of co-parenting — akin to the society of bonobo chimpanzees, which Ms. Dowd points to — fathers and mothers have sex more often, like and appreciate each other more and enjoy happier unions. To do this, you must know what you want, ask for it, create mutual flexibility and preserve a source of potential independence.

Today, women have more options, as do men, many of whom will respond positively to a call for a different type of existence than their fathers had.

JULIE SHIELDS
McLean, Va., April 10, 2002

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Baby panic and drug tests

Readers respond to recent articles on Sylvia Ann Hewlett and mandatory drug testing in public schools.

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April 26, 2002 | Read "A Woman's Place" by Michelle Goldberg.

Michelle Goldberg's analysis of Sylvia Ann Hewlett's new book and the accompanying media hoopla hits the mark. As I read article after article discussing "the baby bust," I kept wondering whether all the debate about the alleged fertility crisis [hadn't] been put to rest in the last century, by Susan Faludi and others. Personally, I knew that I had a greater chance of getting pregnant and married and having a healthy baby in my 20s or early 30s, and didn't need to rely on any survey to tell me so.

And, in research for my coming book, "How To Avoid The Mommy Trap: A Roadmap For Sharing Parenting and Making It Work," I met many high-achieving mothers who have it all, and love what they have. We need to move beyond laments about how hard everything still is and instead emulate those around us who have found a better balance of life, family and work. Feminism has enabled today's women to design the lives they want, a gift worth using.

-- Julie Shields