• There's Still A Long Way To Go, Baby

• The Problem With No Name Revisited

• The Tired Superwoman

• A Life Of Balance

• The Way We Whine

• The Glass Ceiling Is In The Nursery

• What Did You Expect?

• Term Limits

The Problem With No Name Revisited

Mary Clayton's situation represents a new version of the same old story. Until giving birth to eight-month-old Jeffrey, she held a tenure track position as economics professor at a state university. Now, she takes care of Jeffrey full time. A tall, striking blonde from the mid-west, before becoming a mother, Mary enjoyed committee work, running, and many friendships, in addition to her marriage. Her predicament depicts "the problem with no name," dressed up a bit for the twenty-first century.

In 1963, Betty Friedan gave the first chapter of "The Feminine Mystique" the title of "The Problem With No Name". The Problem With No Name described the plight of housewives matching slip covers, eating peanut butter sandwiches, driving carpool, and lying in bed at night next to their husbands wondering "is this all?" The Problem With No Name was bad enough in 1963. It's even worse for contemporary women brought up to believe they could and should do it all.

If the life of the happy homemaker isolated mothers before, today it's even more isolating. Fewer people inhabit neighborhoods during the day. Entering a playground filled with nannies can lead at-home mothers to feel that nobody else sees merit in spending time with their children. The social stigma attached to staying home doesn't make full-time moms feel valued. I have yet to meet a stay-at-home mother who hasn't expressed fear of being at a party and asked what she does.

Mary Clayton explains

"The thing that's really hard is finding a new group of friends. All of my old friends work. A lot of the mothers I meet weren't committed to their careers and they actually seem to like being in the house all the time. I put a lot into my job, and I plan to go back. I don't have anything in common with these people.

My friends have not supported my choice to take this time off. My best friend told me she thinks I'm judging her. She has had problems with her son's daycare. I said that's ridiculous, that I'm just trying to do what I think is best for my family, but we don't do anything together anymore."

Staying home to do the important work of raising children still has its drawbacks - the same drawbacks that led to the women's movement (namely, the desire for something beyond, house, kids, and marriage), and then some. Every night when he comes home from his job as a software developer, Mark hopes Mary will be glad to see him. Instead, she hands the baby off and eagerly leaves the house for a walk. True, she'd called Mark a number of times from 4:30 on asking when he would be home, but apparently she wanted a break, not him. Before Jeffrey was born, Mark and Mary had a lot of fun together. Now, everything's changed, and not the way they'd expected.

When Jeffrey was a month old, Mary started looking into nannies and daycare. She read articles and studies about childcare, asking everyone she knew about their arrangements. She visited daycare centers, and interviewed countless nannies. Though she hadn't expected to, Mary concluded Jeffrey would do best at home with his parents.

She also discovered that in some ways Mark took better care of Jeffrey than she did, particularly with bathing and diapering. Far neater than Mary, Mark spends hours every night cleaning -- vacuuming up soggy bits of teething biscuits and re-washing pots and pans smeared with crud even after Mary has tried to clean them. Though she finds it demoralizing to live with the mess she and Jeffrey create, Mary cannot fix it.

Mary Clayton doesn't want to quit her job. She needs to work to feel complete. She misses the adult interaction and stimulation of campus life. Mary has asked for and received a year sabbatical, and hopes to convince Mark to telecommute and work a compressed schedule so she can return to her very flexible job.

Mark has resisted making a career accommodation for what he views as her decision. While he agrees they have not met any terrific nannies, and that Jeffrey should not go to daycare at this age, he has left things to Mary's sense of responsibility for their son. Mark wants her to keep the house neat, or at least neater, and show more interest in sex. At an impasse with each other, they both adore Jeffrey, who is thriving.

How'd this couple get here? They didn't do their homework ahead of time. Failure to research and map out parenting roles often defaults couples back to the so-called "traditional" division of parental labor, where women nurture and men go out in the world to provide income.

Because she didn't look ahead, Mary Clayton fell into the Mommy Trap. She can, and as you'll see, will get herself out, but only after passing through some rocky times first. Women contemplating getting married or becoming pregnant can avoid this situation with advance preparation.

< back to start | back to top ^ | next segment >